


Eridan's Exile

by orphan_account



Category: Homestuck
Genre: F/F, F/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-08-06
Updated: 2015-12-06
Packaged: 2018-04-13 08:26:00
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,465
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4514877
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>No, not the Exiled Dersite who's assigned to Eridan. Eridan is, himself, pretty much in exile on Land of Wrath and Angels, and it's been doing nasty things to him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. In Which Fussyfangs And Fishdick Become Moirails.

**Author's Note:**

> This ship started with an RP I had(that I fell asleep halfway through), and grew from there.

There was a planet called Skaia, whose atmosphere was an ambient glow that provided light for all of its moons. It had fourteen moons, the closest being a shimmering golden planetoid covered completely in shimmering golden city. This was Prospit, and it had a moon of its own, linked by a chain instead of the traditional gravity well. In fact, if the chain were to break, then Prospit’s moon would come free from Prospit, and cause a great deal of trouble. The furthest moon from Skaia was a planetoid exactly like Prospit, only with a much darker color scheme, that would give a colorblind person a great deal of trouble while navigating. This moon was called Derse.

Between Prospit and Derse were two rings; one of moons, closer to Prospit, and one of asteroids, closer to Derse. The ring of asteroids was called the Veil, a neutral ground where the kingdoms of Prospit and Derse built up their armies with cloning facilities. And the ring of the remaining 12 moons was called the Medium. One of these moons was called the Land of Wrath and Angels, and it is here that we will focus our attention.

The Land of Wrath and Angels had a population of bird-like humanoids called angels, and which squawked and screeched like something a crow sired on a pigeon and then left in the care of a seagull. Pruning the population was a troll by the name of Eridan Ampora, who was currently taking a break to lie on the floor of his home, not really doing anything. His hobbies all required other people, and nobody seemed willing to talk to him. He was, essentially, in exile, on a planet where everything that moved wanted to kill him.

Not really conducive to staying sane, to be quite honest.

“Oh, the skipper lay with his knob in gore, an his cheek’s where the scullion’s axe had shore, an the scullion was stabbed four times four, an there they lay, an the soggy skies, dripped down in up-staring eyes, in murk sunset an foul sunrise, yo ho ho an a bottle of rum.” Eridan was surprisingly decent at singing, mostly because he spent far too much time doing so back when he still had a ship to sail. The only problem was that he still had a bit of a stutter, and what could be recognized by an english-speaking human as a Finnish accent.

He was interrupted by the sound of footsteps, but at this point he didn’t feel like standing up. Why bother, it’s probably just someone else using his planet as a transit waypoint. Doesn’t happen often, but sometimes it does. Like today. But the footsteps are descending, coming towards him. Did he have a visitor? Or was it Sollux, again, trying to start shit. He honestly didn’t care about Sollux. Didn’t like him, but didn’t hate him, either. Sollux was just sort of there, and for whatever reason hated him.

But as the door to the stairwell opened and Eridan saw who it was, he wondered if standing up was a good idea. Kanaya Maryam, the woman strolling down the stairs with her characteristic poise, wore a skirt, and while it was rather long, it could still be awkward.

“Hello, Eridan. I do hope I’m not intruding on anything.” Kanaya’s voice, unlike Eridan’s own warped voice, was clear and lovely, and seemed to drip with both class and ease of understanding.

“Nothin to interrupt around here…” Eridan muttered as he continued to lay down on the ground. “I got pretty much nothin to do.” Eridan tried to recall how conversations were supposed to go, and came up with this: “What brings you here?”

“I also had a surplus of free time, and it seems most of the others are busy.” Kanaya shrugged as she sat down on the couch, politely ignoring the fact that Eridan was on the floor. “Are you alright? You seem upset about something.” Okay, maybe she wasn’t.

“Oh, it’s nothin. Just the crushin weight a my isolation, finally breakin me. The stress has gotten so bad that I’ve looped around into a sorta zen state.” Eridan says this with as much regard as he might say “Lovely weather we’re having, hm?” “Aside from the complete breakdown, I’m just dandy. Perfectly content to live on this rock where everythin’s tryin to kill me. Really wouldn’t be a proper exile without dangerous wildlife.”

Now, Kanaya was not a stranger to Eridan. She didn’t know him particularly well, but almost everyone knew Eridan was prone to dramatics and complaining. However, this didn’t sound like mere histrionics. This sounded like, well… Eridan living in hell and being completely open about it. Usually he wasn’t direct, but if he was honest about the isolation part… well, it doesn’t take that long to change you, even if only temporarily.

“Are… do you need help?” Kanaya stood back up, moving to kneel down next to him.

“What? No. I’m fine.” Eridan snapped reflexively, without even thinking.

“That is not what you said less than a minute ago.” Kanaya countered, placing a hand on his shoulder.

“Fuck off.” Eridan rolled onto his side, away from Kanaya. She still pressed onward, not willing to abandon Eridan.

“Eridan, you need help. This place is doing awful things to you.” Kanaya grabbed his shoulder again.

“I said fuck off, Kan. You’re not my fuckin moirail.” Eridan rolled over onto his front, prepared to keep rolling further.

“Someone has to do it.” Kanaya snaps before she realizes what she’s said. Too late to just back out, she decides to keep going. “Look at you, Eridan. You said it yourself. You’ve broken under the stress. What you need is a place to relax and heal, and someone to help you do that.”

“An you think you’re the one to do it?” Eridan rolls onto his back once more, crossing his arms.

“As a Sylph, my role is to heal.” Kanaya says solemnly.

“...” Eridan is silent, not looking at Kanaya, as he considers this.

“Also, my planet is covered almost completely in water.”

Eridan was on his feet and moving to the stairs faster than Kanaya was expecting.

* * *

“Have a seat, make yourself comfortable.” Kanaya instructed Eridan, shoving him into the large pile of pillows she had instead of a proper couch. “I will get you something to drink. Is tea okay?”

“Fuckin hell, Kan, I’m fi-” Eridan weakly protested, before she shot a glare at him. “...tea is fine.”

“Alright.” Kanaya filled a mug with water, and put it into the hydrofriction inducer for a minute, putting a teabag into it once it was heated. While the tea steeped on the end table, Kanaya wraps Eridan in a silk blanket(Being friends with the Spider8itch had some advantages, like an arbitrary/obscene amount of spider silk being available pretty much whenever) and puts a movie on her TV.

Eridan grumbles some more as he starts drinking his tea, but Kanaya can tell he’s just being an uncooperative dick, rather than being genuinely displeased with how she was treating him. With that out of the way(and Eridan’s head resting in her lap), Kanaya pulls out her holographic computer, and starts it up in a way that hopefully won’t bother Eridan. If it does, he doesn’t comment on it, and Kanaya starts up Trollian while Eridan just continues to watch the movie, only half paying attention.

grimAuxiliatrix[GA] has started trolling cuttlefishCuller[CC]!  
GA: Feferi Are You Busy  
GA: Do You Have A Few Moments To Chat  
CC: W)(ale S)(OR-E, Kanaya!  
CC: W)(at did you want to glub about?  
GA: It Is Um  
GA: To Be Quite Frank It Is Eridan  
CC: O)( no.  
GA: To Make A Confusing And Abrupt Story Short  
GA: I Am His Moirail Now  
CC: O)( NO.  
GA: Feferi Please  
GA: I Simply Want Advice  
GA: How Did You Calm Him Down  
CC: O)(, t)(at’s simple.  
CC: I didn’t.  
CC: Our moirallegiance was kind of a S)(AM.  
GA: That Is Unfortunate  
GA: And Also Unhelpful  
CC: Sorry! But I don’t know w)(at to tell you! Aside from “you’re making a MISTAK-E!”  
GA: I Can Handle Eridan Just Fine I Think  
GA: He Is Unlikely To Develop Flushed Feelings For His Moirail A Second Time  
CC: Lig)(tning strikes t)(e same place ALL T)(-E TIM-E, Kanaya! But, o)( well.  
CC: I warned you!  
GA: I Acknowledge That  
GA: However I Feel I Should Be Paying Attention To Eridan Rather Than This Unproductive Interrogation  
CC: Sorry! But I can’t reely kelp you!  
GA: It Is Fine  
grimAuxiliatrix[GA] ceased trolling cuttlefishCuller[CC]!  
CC: T)(at poor fool…  
cuttlefishCuller[CC] ceased trolling grimAuxiliatrix[GA]!

Kanaya looked away from Trollian, and down at Eridan, who seemed half-asleep. Not because the movie was bad, but because he was tired and comfortable. Kanaya reached down with one hand to scratch at his scalp, between his horns, and took satisfaction in the pleased groan he gave as he drifted even further into sleep.

Soon enough, Eridan was snoring quietly, and the movie didn’t really need to keep playing.

* * *

Eridan awoke a few hours later, and almost immediately got up “to use the load gaper”. In reality…

caligulasAquarium[CA] has started trolling carcinoGeneticist[CG]!  
CA: kar im freakin the fuck out ovver here  
CA: i think kan an i are moirails noww or somethin an im scared  
CA: what if i fuck up again  
CA: i dont wwanna hurt someone again  
CG: HERE IS MY ADVICE:  
CG: DON’T FUCK UP.  
CG: FUCKING LISTEN TO HER, AND BE CONSIDERATE.  
CG: IS THAT CLEAR ENOUGH? DO I NEED TO DRAW YOU A FLOW CHART OR A DIAGRAM?  
CA: can you?  
CG: ...ERIDAN YOU NEED TO LEARN HOW TO SHUT THE FUCK UP SOMETIMES.  
CA: wwhoa kar im jokin  
CG: OH, I’M SORRY, I DIDN’T KNOW. THE LACK OF HUMOR THREW ME OFF.  
CA: dude seariously im tryin to do the smart thin for once an this is wwhat happens  
CA: this is wwhy i havve issues  
CG: GO TELL KANAYA THIS. SHE’S YOUR MOIRAIL NOW, APPARENTLY.  
CA: kar havve i evver told you howw useless you are sometimes?  
CG: YOU HAVE NOW. NOW SHUT UP AND FUCK OFF.  
carcinoGeneticist[CG] has ceased trolling caligulasAquarium[CA]!

Well. That was incredibly unhelpful. Karkat had precisely two sentences of advice, surrounded by rage and obscenity. But, they were slightly okay pieces of advice, and Eridan supposed it behooved him to listen. He flushed the load gaper, washed his hands, and left the hygiene block.

It was time to finally talk to Kanaya.


	2. In Which Fishdick Introduces Fussyfangs To The World Of Seafood

Kanaya sat in a rather nice lawn chair, watching the ocean from the comfort of the beach. There was a lovely breeze blowing, out to sea. Here and there she could see dark spots, and disturbances in the water; those were either fish, or one Eridan Ampora, who seemed very eager to be in the water for some reason. He had said something about bringing fish back for dinner, but Kanaya wasn’t entirely certain how he planned on catching them; he didn’t have a spear, or a net… that she knew of.

When he poked his head out of the water, starting to walk up the slope of the shoreline, she learned that she was, in fact, quite wrong. He did have a net to catch fish with. Just… not one made of rope.

“Man am I glad this fabric is waterproof.” Eridan said idly, looking down at the many fish he held in his cape, holding it with all four corners gathered in one hand. “You’re telling me you’ve never eaten fish before?”

“Fish are not particularly easy to come by in the desert, Mister Seadweller.” Kanaya reminded him. “And once I arrived here, I was more concerned with other things than catching fish.”

“Yeah, well, we’re gonna fix that particular oversight soon enough.” Eridan dropped his cape on the sand, letting the corners fall and spread out. Kanaya’s nose wrinkled at the sight of the live fish all flopping about and generally acting like… well, like fish out of water. She wasn’t sure if she should be amused or disgusted, and for now settled for an uneasy admixture of both. “C’mon, I’ll show you how to prepare them. It’s easy. Uh… you got a filet knife?”

“Inside, yes.” Kanaya nodded. “I will go get it, along with a cutting board.”

“We’re going to have to bring them inside anyway to cook them.” Eridan pointed out. “No point in leaving them all out here.”

“Au contraire. The point is to keep those… things out of my hive.” Kanaya shivered, clearly on the disgust side of things at this point.

“Oh come on!” Eridan grabbed a still-wriggling fish by the tail, and let it flop around in his hand. “It’s a fuckin’ fish, Kan, it’s not gonna hurt you, or make a mess. It’s a fish. Relax.”

“Those things are a disgrace to everything that lives, and I am ashamed to associate with them even with a degree of separation.” Kanaya turned away, crossing her arms.

Eridan, for his part, shrugged and set the fish down… on top of Kanaya’s well-groomed hair.

“ERIDAN AMPORA I WILL END YOU!” she shouted, chasing him back into the water. It wasn’t a fair chase; he’d been ready, he was taller, and he could swim. He was in his element, and she was not. That did not, however, prevent her from chasing him far enough that her hive disappeared from the horizon.

That did, however, prevent her from knowing she could swim back. “Er… I would like to retract my previous statement.”

“Are you sure?” Eridan grinned at her, completely at home in the water. “After all, you sounded like you meant it, back there.”

“Well we are not there anymore and I do not know how much longer I can swim before my arms give out and I drown.” Kanaya snapped. “Do you want that, Eridan?”

“It would give me an excuse to give you mouth to mouth, although I’d rather you be awake for that.” he grinned widely, showing that he was joking, unless of course she was interested in which case he was serious. “So, I suppose I’ll have to carry you home. Grab my shoulders, an resist the urge to strangle me, please.”

“I will try but I make no promises.” Kanaya grumbled as she did as he said. He started swimming, faster than he had before. He’d been sandbagging before, wanting to keep the chase going as long as he could.

“Not bad for a first time, but we can do better.” Eridan announced on the way back, as the hive and the Forge came into view.

 

* * *

 

“Alright, well, since someone was too squeamish to gut a fish, I get to take credit for the whole meal.” Eridan announced, putting two plates on the table. On each plate was a few filets of baked fish, some spices rubbed into them. “So, take a bite. Tell me what you think.”

Kanaya nodded wordlessly, and speared a filet with her fork, immediately splitting off a section of it. She frowned, and turned her fork before stabbing again, managing to keep the split off chunk in one piece. She bit into it, carefully chewing the still-hot fish.

It was, for all she could tell, a well-cooked piece of fish. It was savory, salty enough to notice without being intrusive, and had almost a sweet undertone to it.

“It is nice.” she nodded, to Eridan’s very visible delight. Who knew those ear fins were mobile, and matched his emotions? She’d bet her arm that they’d never been quite that perky before. “I suppose fish aren’t entirely disgusting.”

“I should hope so.” Eridan sat down at the table. “The freezer is full of frozen filets, so you’ll probably be eating a lot of fish for a while.” He started eating, and it became clear to Kanaya that, despite his aristocratic upbringing, Eridan did not have table manners. Or any concept of “using a fork to eat.”

“Eridan, please don’t eat with your bare hands.” Kanaya sighed, shaking her head at the display before her.

“Well what else would I eat with?” Eridan says through a mouthful of fish. “My tongue?”

“A fork, Eridan.” Kanaya quirked an eyebrow. “Have you never heard of them?”

“I know what a fork is, I just never use one.” Eridan shrugged. “It seemed inconvenient. Something I’d never really have cause to use, you know? If it’s unsafe to touch something with my hands, it’s probably even worse to put it into my mouth.”

“It is a matter of manners, Eridan. Etiquette. Decorum.” Kanaya rattled off, not noticing that Eridan had started ignoring her in favor of his fish. “Honestly, I’m surprised you don’t know how to… Eridan!”

“Kan, it’s food. There’s no wrong way to eat food.” Eridan rolled his eyes. “Besides, the grease isn’t that hard to wash off.”

“You shouldn’t need to wash your hands after eating!” Kanaya snapped, making Eridan jump slightly.

“Jesus, fine, I’ll eat with a fork.” Eridan set the half-eaten chunk of fish down on his plate, and walked into the kitchen, returning with a fork. He watched her hand as she ate, then parroted that. “This is awkward and weird.”

“Do not speak with food in your mouth.” Kanaya ordered, sparking a fit of incoherent grumbling. Kanaya, for her part, held no sympathy.

 

* * *

 

Eventually, a question needed answering: Where would Eridan sleep?

“I suppose it’s the couch for me.” Eridan yawned as he said this, sprawling across the couch.

“I’ll see about moving your recuperacoon over, and having an extension built to put it in.” Kanaya shared the yawn, trying to get off of the couch without knocking Eridan to the floor. “I’ll talk to Equius about it.”

Eridan nodded sleepily, sitting up enough to allow Kanaya to stand up, before flopping back down once she was up. He wrapped himself up with his cape, and curled into a ball to preserve heat.

Kanaya tore her eyes away from the admittedly adorable sight of Eridan falling asleep, and ascended the stairs, heading toward her respiteblock. She had two important things to do: message Equius, and go the fuck to sleep.

grimAuxiliatrix[GA] began trolling centaursTesticle[CT]!  
GA: Equius Are You Awake  
CT: D --> I am indeed.  
CT: D --> Do you require something?  
GA: I Do In Fact  
GA: Do You Have The Server Program Open  
CT: D --> I do indeed. Do you wish for me to remove the filthy seadweller that has taken up residence upon your couch?  
GA: In A Sense  
GA: Would You Mind Installing Another Respiteblock With The Server Program  
CT: D --> I do not mind; however, be wary of the seadweller. They are… unsavory.  
GA: I Am Aware  
GA: I Had To Teach Him To Use A Fork  
CT: D --> I meant in more of a “genocidal sociopath” sense of unsavory.  
GA: I See No Evidence Of That  
CT: D --> As befits a skilled liar.  
GA: Equius I Am Not In The Mood To Defend My Moirail From This Particular Accusation  
CT: D --> I  
CT: D --> Oh.  
CT: D --> My apologies.  
CT: D --> I will simply… er...  
CT: D --> What do you think of the new respiteblock?  
GA: It Looks Nice  
GA: Thank You  
GA: And  
GA: Apology Accepted  
GA: Do Not Repeat That Mistake

With that particular task completed, Kanaya set about her next task. She pursued her task with vigor, curling up in her recuperacoon… and waking up again on Prospit. That was expected, of course. What was unexpected was the person standing beside her bed, garbed in purple and blue.

“Who’s got two thumbs and no other friends?” Eridan’s dreamself gestured to himself. “Turns out, you can in fact get from Derse to Prospit while you’re sleeping. Takes a while. But I had to do something when I slept, these past few weeks. Figured a change in scenery would be nice.”

Kanaya sighed, climbing off of the strange sleeping surface she was provided by Prospit. “How long did the trip take?”

“Probably two minutes.” Eridan admitted. “Dreamself, you know? You go pretty much at the speed of thought. Hardest part was figuring out just where the hell Prospit was, since I’ve only been here once or twice.”

“I fear I may regret this but… what brought you to Prospit the first few times?” Kanaya asked, rubbing sleep from her eyes.

“I wanted to see if Kar was awake here. Which he wasn’t.” Eridan shrugged. “I suppose we should check on him while we’re here, hm?”

“I suppose that couldn’t hurt.” Kanaya nodded, floating up to the window. “I wonder who else is awake?”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This took a long time because shut up. Shut up is why.


End file.
